a 4th principle
children love attention - look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
a 4th principle - regard, attention
The most powerful contribution we can make is to pay attention. Attention is implicit in the last word of the slogan that summarises the three principles - unconditional positive and authentic regard.
The term active-listening does not capture all the nuances of this attention. We attend with all our senses. Our presence is active and engaged. We are in subconscious communication. Using our animal senses. Being together is perhaps a better description. The very act of being there can be healing.
being there
Just being with someone is a significant activity. Notice the difference between being alone in a room or a public place compared with being there with someone else even when there is silence and no physical contact. Walking with someone is different to walking by oneself. The mind and body are mobilised differently. There is an awareness and accommodation to the other person.
Being there for someone is being in the present for each word and feeling as they emerge. Being there for each moment as it arrives. Each moment another step into the unknown.
Being there for someone is the active ingredient of therapy. There is a psychoanalytic dictum that the most important rule of therapy is to hang in there with a client. The secret of success is to turn up.
A therapist who uses these principles is free to pay full attention because they don't have to analyse personalities or situations in order to make suggestions or provide expert opinion.
timely
To be there at that most important moment of crisis when someone wants to talk. It is as easy to be available on time than be late. Just eliminate waiting lists and prioritise making a connection over doing an assessment. Timely and effective at no extra cost or effort.
conclusion
4 principles - Simple in principle and infinitely complex in practice.
These principles allow the core of the matter to emerge. I suggest that this is all we need to do and that if we do more we risk losing ground without standing to gain much. I have found that the less I do and the less I intrude my own ideas, the more useful I am. The faster and deeper therapy progresses.
Any of the exercises on the mind and stress pages could help relax and focus so as to really be there for someone.
copyright (C) John Brasted 2008
updated 26. Dec. 2011
