essentials
We put thirty spokes together and call it a wheel;
but it is on the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the wheel depends
Dao de Ching: Ch 11
We instinctively look for someone to listen when we're distressed. All the therapist does is pay total attention. The following pages show why that works and how to go about it.
listening
The therapist creates a clear space where awareness can grow by listening with their body and emotions as well as their mind so they respond fully and naturally and don't get in the way. Communicating with words and feelings or in some therapies with art, sounds, movement or play.
Here is a sounding board in an accepting and caring environment to freely reflect on thoughts and feelings. A chance to hear what we are saying and discover what we really know and really want. Not just the words but most importantly the feelings.
We can't experience all we are thinking and feeling in the everyday world of mutual expectations and reciprocal obligations where we have to be careful what we say and how we say it. But here we can examine our history, the incidents that have shaped us, the stories we spin for ourselves and others and that tune we play over and over. Usually this is all we need.
For example someone may begin to transform a conflictual relationship after stopping to feel how distressed they or their partner have become. A starting point might be noticing for the first time an interaction that repeatedly triggers rage and confrontation. Or .... a sudden realisation of not knowing what to do – a blank overwhelmed moment - might be all that's needed to stop, step back, and be open to change.
principles
There is no substantial evidence that any kind of psychotherapy produces much better outcomes than another. However there is evidence for the usefulness of these core principles. Most therapies rely on at least some of them. The seven that I have found most powerful to expand awareness are put in the form of propositions that can be tested to see if they work. They are simple and in harmony with nature. Most are discussed in the writings of Carl Rogers.
They are put briefly into context rather than rigorously justified or explained. And distilled rather than elaborated as someone else's interpretations, however useful, can get in the way of developing one's own understanding. . I have tried to keep out of the way.
They are guidelines a therapist can rely on to develop their approach and make day to day decisions rather than detailed instructions. They are ways for the therapist to develop themselves. Ways for them to be rather than activities or actions.. Ultimately the therapist is the theory and the therapy.
Practical suggestions are useful to help beginners find their bearings but there are not many here in case they distract from these core principles that empower people to take charge of healing and growth for themselves.
try it
You can shift into this mode within most approaches to therapy for a few moments or even for most of a session without disrupting its flow. See if you can get it to work.
If you have a friend who is understanding, sympathetic and attentive to talk things through with, check that they are free and set a time limit. If you look after them, they can be there for you another day.
change
Notice thoughts, feelings and mood at the beginning and then again at the end of a session. What has changed and how did that happen?
do it yourself
These principles can be used to listen to oneself. To reflect on thoughts and feelings and memories. They show how to attend closely and impartially with empathy and without self-blame or pity. Awareness grows in this clear space. The exercises on the body, mind and stress pages can help by expanding awareness beyond the confines of everyday habits of thought.
Although we might never fully escape our past we can come to understand who we are and how we came about when we reflect on our history. Memories of our upbringing come into the open where they are free to help us instead of popping up now and then from the hidden corners of our mind to take us by surprise and trip us up.
Unnecessary fears tend to diminish or evaporate. New feelings, opportunities and life-strategies emerge just as they do working with a therapist. Often without quite knowing how.
copyright (C) John Brasted 2008
updated 6. Feb. 2012
