love
Most of us experience ourselves and others as individuals, separate from each other and the rest of the world. Each the centre of the universe. But at some level we are one.
Our only real possessions are how we feel, which mostly comes from being with others. Our body, mind, face and emotions mobilise when we are with someone and experience each others responses. Existence expands.. Without others in our life we diminish.
Most of all we want to experience the very satisfying feelings of loving someone. Senses are heightened. Problems and conflicts lose their significance. Confidence rises.
bonding
The feelings of being in love include other emotions, hopes and fears: partly learned and partly hard-wired. Feel-good hormones like oxytocin reward social animals with sensations of love and compassion when they relax together. Especially with babies and partners.
Stress and pain close down those warm feelings. The stress pages discuss why and show ways to recover tranquility.
There are less opportunities to relate closely to others in distressed communities where trust and intimacy are abused or industrialised societies where relationships are monetarised. Bonding to icons, film stars, gods, money and other symbolic objects can arouse the wonderful feelings of love but they are not as satisfying as the real thing.
Many find human interactions difficult and relationships with pets warm, spontaneous, real and satisfying. Pets and little children can be loved with less risk of rejection or complex reciprocal demands.
An immigrant from Zimbabwe told me that people would walk past him in the street and not look at him or greet him. Inconceivable in his homeland. He confided that his neighbour's best friend was a dog and detailed with utter astonishment the attention the dog was given.
addictions
Drugs and other addictions are distancing just like depression and other unresponsive emotional states. User's feelings are harder to understand and they lose capacity to empathise with a partner's feelings and respond sensitively. Drugged talk is usually somewhere between uninteresting and revolting to a sober partner.
When satisfaction comes from addictions, relationships lose importance and can take second place or no place.
compassion
Compassion is the friend of relationships. When we empathise and appreciate others, we can love and be loved instead of taking things personally and taking our frustrations out on innocent or not so innocent bystanders. Until we understand or forgive we carry conflicts around inside us. Especially conflict with family and parents who are deeply built into every part of us.
When we are aware of our feelings and prejudices we can see another person as they really are and not just our image of them formed out of the hopes and fears we project onto them. The ideas and exercises in johnbrasted.com particularly the awareness therapy pages, centre around increasing awareness and shedding the unnecessary fears and stress that keep us apart.
copyright (C) John Brasted 2008
updated 28. Dec. 2011
